……………………….Sitting here thinking, i don’t know where to even begin , to describe my heavy heart. I’ve had my fair share of heartache , when it comes to friendships. Im now starting to feel so estranged from my friends , a feeling of doubt. I really don’t know where i belong , I’m honestly lost , and lost in my own thoughts that i start questioning my self worth and if I’ve changed so much that the people in my life no longer see me or want me around them, to be honest at times i feel like everyone treats me like an obligation.
Certain unhealthy relationships in the past , had changed me , cut me down to the bone til i was so raw , that i felt i became needy in other relationships, i put up walls, became more outspoken and honest , but i genuinly thought i was doing the right thing , so that people wouldn’t walk all over me again and again , and i thought that it would be better to be honest if someone hurt me rather than not say a word, and allow it to manifest into anger.
You know , id be happier if i knew that i had that one person, that one friend that was beside me through thick and thin , that always had my back , wanted to be around me and my family on a regular basis , someone i knew i could trust and someone i knew id never have to question. But in this present moment i know I’m alone.
There’s time where i question my sanity , is it all in my head ? is it just my mind making me think people dislike me ? i honestly cant tell anymore. I’m out with my partner ,we are around people we have met before but only see at these type of occasions, so we always feel like we don’t know anyone . But when trying to mingle and have conversation , i get that feeling come over me ; as I’m talking I’m thinking to myself ‘ ” just stop”! they have no interest in what your talking about , and lets face it they have 20 other people here that they are friends with , why would they be boring themselves with the girl no one really knows , or cares to!
SO making new friends isn’t easy anymore!
I was an out going and a likeable person , without sounding so naive. i knew people enjoyed my company and conversation , i guess now i just don’t know when or what happened ? or how to fix it .
i was always a happy soul , bouncing around being playful, having a laugh, now i worry , anxiety runs through me on a daily basis , i cant remember the last time i had a good laugh, mostly i just feel automated , and unloved and scared that eventually depression might rear its ugly head further into mine.
And you know what the saddest part is , people can tell me they care or love me but most times……..i don’t believe them. Actions speak louder than words, and i get a lot of words and most of the time , its only because I’ve asked.