indiaave

The life of i and all that surrounds me

uncertain

……………………….Sitting here thinking, i don’t know where to even begin , to describe my heavy heart.  I’ve had my fair share of heartache , when it comes to friendships. Im now starting to feel so estranged from my friends , a feeling of doubt. I really don’t know where i belong , I’m honestly lost , and lost in my own thoughts that i start questioning my self worth and if I’ve changed so much that the people in my life no longer see me or want me around them, to be honest at times i feel like everyone treats me like an obligation.

Certain unhealthy relationships in the past , had changed me , cut me down to the bone til i was so raw , that i felt i became needy in other relationships, i put up walls, became more outspoken and honest , but i genuinly  thought i was doing the right thing , so that people wouldn’t walk all over me again and again , and i thought that it would be better to be honest if someone hurt me rather than not say a word, and allow it to manifest into anger.

You know , id be happier if i knew that i had that one person, that one friend that was beside me through thick and thin , that always had my back , wanted to be around me and my family on a regular basis , someone i knew i could trust and someone i knew id never have to question. But in this present moment i know I’m alone.

 

There’s time where i question my sanity , is it all in my head ? is it just my mind making me think people dislike me ?  i honestly cant tell anymore.  I’m out with my partner ,we are around people we have met before but only see at these type of occasions, so we always feel like we don’t know anyone . But when trying to mingle and have conversation , i get that feeling come over me ; as I’m talking I’m thinking to myself ‘ ” just stop”!  they have no interest in what your talking about , and lets face it they have 20 other people here that they are friends with , why would they be boring themselves with the girl no one really knows , or cares to!

SO making new friends isn’t easy anymore!

I was an out going and a likeable person , without sounding so naive. i knew people enjoyed my company and conversation ,  i guess now i just don’t know when or what happened ?  or how to fix it .

i was always a happy soul , bouncing around being playful, having a laugh, now i worry , anxiety runs through me on a daily basis , i cant remember the last time i had a good laugh, mostly i just feel automated , and unloved and scared that eventually depression might rear its ugly head further into mine.

And you know what the saddest part is , people can tell me they care or love me but most times……..i don’t believe them. Actions speak louder than words, and i get a lot of words and most of the time , its only because I’ve asked.

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BECOMING MUM

IT’S been quite sometime since i have wrote anything , even on paper, So i thought an update was necessary! 

One day in February 2014 was the day i found out my life was going to change forever ! Feeling really sick like i didn’t know what end to put in the toilet bowl , i thought to myself where on earth did i get this bug from ! after 4 days off work and two weeks later -still feeling off and lethargic,  but ok never less i started to think about what was really wrong with me? I eat reasonably healthy exercise 3 mornings a week , what could possibly make me feel like this , so to rule out more options , i wandered through the isles of the regular grocery shop only to find myself looking at pregnancy tests , deciding which one is going to be most accurate i grab the one that has two in the pack !

Home i go and unpack the groceries and then into the bathroom i go, pee a little and wait…. i pick up the test to find one solid line and one very faint line where i had to squint to see if it was there or not, it was so faint that i decided… not , so i disregarded the test into bin and ruled out being pregnant a reason for being so sick.

ok so its possibly been a week later , and I’m still the same so friday afternoon about 5pm i thought ‘ oh  bugger it ‘ ill take that other test I’m sure it will be the same but i can’t hurt ! so off i go again ,pee a little and wait ….. again one solid line and one faint but this time slightly more visible , now I’m looking at it like hmmm no I’m thinking that looks like two lines , so i sheepishly  wander out to my partner who has no idea i was even taking the second test and ask ” does this look like two lines to you ?’  in which he replies with a nervous giggle ‘yes’. We continue to look at each other smiling , but with oh shit can this be real  ! In the next  half hour we were to be out for dinner with my parents and brother , to which covering up what we may know may appear to be challenging ! So to help we walk into the club and order drinks – the alcohol kind !  had dinner, conversation and returned home, now having to wait ALL WEEKEND to see the doctor to confirm our reality.

Monday comes i go to work as normal, and from work call into the doctors where i have an appointment  “Hi I’m here for my appointment at 4:45 pm”  oh no you were booked for 3:45pm, we close at 5pm!   with a tone i replied “No i spoke to angelica who told me 4:45pm as i dont finish work til 4:15pm ” receptionist replies “oh well take a seat”

I take a seat and wait my turn : next minute I’m called into the doctor , where i stated what i was doing there ; she then tuned to a draw and pulled out  a bloody pregnancy test and said well go pee on this .

I thought to myself : You have got to be kidding me ! i have just done this at home , why am i paying $70 to do it again ? Do you not send me for a blood test or do something different to confirm ??? Nope !   Well its come back positive she said : Well i could have told you that lady !

So there you have it after weeks of wondering  what was making me so sick, it was there confirmed i was becoming mum!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A little from the <3

Problems in families don’t just go away because some members have pushed it under the rug, they just escalate into a bigger, more frustrating ball , that eventually combusts with more frustration and a lot more hurt .

When will the world and the human race wake up and realise this ? Its like we thrive off hatred, lies and selfishness and just a small percent of love for each other.

We tend to place blame on the ones that only try to help us or have done nothing wrong …but anyone else is better than looking ourselves in the mirror and realising the bigger picture.

WE make our choices!! But we also force loved ones to make choices which then sacrifices are made and then we are back at the ball of combustion .  

what do you think ?

what happened to honesty ? or are people nowadays too honest and thats why we have so much fighting and cruelty and pain ? Lack  of communication skills is what is determining our current future , we as people get pushed and shoved by our fellow peers , and majority of the time we allow it ! Do we like it ? fuck no , but we continue on our merry way to another peer and complain to them about it. Are we achieving in anyway to fix the problem ? NO , not by telling someone other than the person who hurt us. Without confronting our problems or issues with the people we conflict with we are allowing them and others to continue to offend us and all the issues build up , which then just causes so much hate and stress and hurt ! if people were more open and honest with eachother , i do believe we could live more happier peaceful lives.    

or would we ?? 

Introduction !!!

Introduction !!!.

Remember , toda…

Remember , today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday …..